I made a mistake tonight. A very small mistake: I went looking through my Facebook history for a phrase I had posted. The phrase was: “A fool who persists in his folly becomes wise”.
The byproduct of searching through the past 3 years of my Facebook history is a feeling of being lost. I’m not sure how I have fit into the life I have had. It is hard for me to remember being the person that said and did the things that Facebook doesn’t forget.
I began a job last Wednesday. It doesn’t pay well, but it’s an amazing opportunity that I have sought out for years. as a dream place to work. Not one I would actually ever work at or belong at. I think I am afraid that my forward actions in time will be forgotten as easily as my past, which will lead me to make unguided choices and decisions forever, never allowing myself to make a mark in time that I can register.
Looking back on the past three years, it floors me that I have both done so much and so little. It surprises me to think on the things I had framed as so bad and awful are actually looking more and more like the ‘good ole days’.
A fool who persists in his folly becomes wise. It’s fitting. Somehow, the depressed, fidgety mound of troubles and anxieties has moved and shifted into something else.
The large problem here is that I am not sure what that something else is quite yet. I would like to hope this is a byproduct of being in transition. Makes sense; I’m graduating college in less than two months, and I started a job at a big company. Change is coming.
I guess I’m looking back to not only cap off this part of my life, but to also get some guidance: what have I learned, who am I now, how was I happy?
That’s my really odd reminder out of all of this: I have been happy in those past three years, but I am not sure how or what exactly triggered it. I want to figure it out. I want to be that person: solidified, guided by joy, seeking to first understand, then be understood.
I know that all the goodness that has come my way was a byproduct of that happiness. I am sure of it.
Work in Progress. Needs mixing.
Source: SoundCloud / J.e.a.